That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
