Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
