my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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