Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Randomize
