As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
