It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
