I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
