I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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