i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
