i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
