i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
