this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Randomize
