Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
