I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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