john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
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