I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
