I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
