How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
