Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
