Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
