It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
