It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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