The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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