I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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