I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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