Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Randomize
