Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
