I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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