its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
