Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
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