I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize