i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
