Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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