i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Randomize
