I can tuck mytits in my pants
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
It's like God shit irony all over that family
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Randomize
