We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
