i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
God gave him joint rollers for hands
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
