In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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