if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
