I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
