so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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