Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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