I will die if light touches me.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
