the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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