Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
