my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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