dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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