the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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