so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
