fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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