my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
