well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
